Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day

Oh Father's Day - why don't you just bite my ass today? I love my father - we've always had a strained relationship, I never felt like I was 'enough' for him. Always felt like I was disappointing him in some way. I think that changed completely when Mum died. I did my very best to support him and keep him moving in a positive direction when he was utterly rudderless. But that's not why I want Father's Day to bite my ass.

It is the father of my children who has made this a day of...what? He told me a few days ago that he doesn't like being a Dad. It is stressful and he doesn't have a lot of patience. Newsflash? I'm already carrying at least 75% of this family and now he's checking out of his 25%? Bite me. So we're looking to send him off to visit his wildly disfunctional family in Utah so perhaps he can learn about parenting. My 3 years of trying to help him have gotten us nowhere.

So to all the Dad's out there who like being Dads, I applaud you and I honor you. I just wish you were my husband's friend because my kids need a dad who feels like he can do this.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Baby Anticipation

My brother and his wife are expecting their first baby any day now. They have been able to savor this pregnancy and are ready for their lives to change. They are so excited to meet their daughter and I can't wait to be an aunt. I am thrilled for them that it has been such a positive experience.

And yet, I'm sad. I'm sad because I didn't have that and I'll never have it. I should shut my yap because really, could I be any luckier to have two beautiful, healthy sons? But yet, I need to vent. Instead of waking up every morning of my pregnancy and thinking 'one day closer to meeting the twins' I wondered if every twinge meant I was going to lose them. I came so close to losing them so many times. Instead of looking forward to a due date, I cried tears of gratitude every morning when I realized I hadn't gone into full labor yet.

When do I get over this? Why does it make me cry that my pregnancy wasn't 'perfect' - hell, it was barely ok. BUT - P and N are here, they are perfect, they are 3 and they are pretty much potty trained. What more could I want? How long do I have to grieve? Every time someone I love has a baby? This needs to stop.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I think I'm going to...wait for!

Yeah, seriously not a blogger am I? Not even a person who keeps up with a journal. I guess I thought it would be easier online because I'm always at my computer. Not so much.

Just came back from a week in West Palm Beach with the family. The week definitely had its ups and downs but we had a good time. N has really gotten the hang of going potty (oh crap, I think I just became a mommy blogger) and P loves to swim with his face in the water. They are a lot of fun and I don't think I realize how lucky we are to have twins until I see parents with singletons - even if there are more than one, spaced a few years apart. My kids really love to play together and it means that I don't have to be the center of their world all the time. That isn't to say that I'm not the most requested person in their world, but at least there's a variety.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Eye Opening

I discovered a blog a few days ago that has really shaken me out of my foggy world. Matt's journey began when his beautiful wife died from a pulmonary embolism 27 hours after the birth of her brand new baby, Madeline. It made me realize just how very lucky I am.

I guess I just found the way to start the story (finally). B and I were lucky enough to have our first round of IVF result in a pregnancy - and what a pregnancy it was! TWINS! Until that moment in my life I had never been so terrified. While I sobbed on the phone with Mum after the appointment I made her promise to be there every step of the way and help me because I didn't know how I could ever manage two babies. Looking back now, I should have been more specific because when she died after their first birthday - I was clearly not ready to be on my own. The problems started when I went into labor at 20 weeks. I had no idea I was in labor but thankfully a quick thinking doctor realized what was going on and we got to the hospital in time. Some awful drugs and emergency surgery later, I was sent home to be on bed rest. I did 16 weeks of ‘hard time’.

At 36 weeks my doctor once again sensed something was wrong and sent me to the hospital for monitoring. They decided on a c-section that night, March 15, 2006. After my first son was born, I heard a second cry (no idea if it was a boy or girl) and simply said ‘I can’t breathe’ and then I died. A pulmonary embolism had hit and I was gone. Because I was in the OR when it happened and was lucky enough to have an anesthesiologist standing by my head, he was able to immediately intubate me and breathe for me while the doctors worked on restarting my heart and breaking up the clot (I’m told it was the size of my heart). It took 5 minutes of CPR, paddles and assorted other goodies to get the old heart started again, but start it did.

It was a rough couple of days while the doctors tried to determine the extent of the damage to my heart, lungs, brain. Everything has, amazingly, checked out as fine. It was 24 hours after their birth before I was finally able to go to the NICU (I had been in the ICU) to see my 2 beautiful sons. Truly the happiest moment of my life. The boys were kept in the NICU so that they had one on one attention while I was recuperating and not allowed to get out of bed. Mum and B were with the babies around the clock while my Dad pretty much kept watch over me. As a parent now, I simply can't imagine the mix of emotions my parents were experiencing - incredible joy over the arrival of their grandsons and intense fear at the thought of losing their only daughter during childbirth.

Amazingly enough we all left the hospital 3 days later. We were SO lucky. This is where the story really intersects with Matt and Liz ( She and I both did 'hard time' on bedrest. We both had to wait 24-hours before we could see our children. We both suffered pulmonary emboli. My clot moved while in an OR with a full staff ready for anything. Liz's clot moved while she was getting in a wheelchair to go see Maddy for the first time. There was nothing they could do for her and she never got to hold her daughter. The injustice of that is overwhelming. I am so very lucky and I need to remember that on a daily basis.

My New Year's Resolution is to take the time every day to realize what I have...and what I could have lost in just a moment. I have a beautiful family and need to appreciate them more than I have been.

I need to lose 40 pounds too - but I think I'll start with the stuff I know I can do!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Let's Build A Word - AUNT!

Holy crapola! I just got a call I never thought I would brother and his wife are expecting! I'm going to be an aunt! My brother is not known to be warm and fuzzy - he seems to enjoy his nephews but seems to enjoy giving them back even more. He's fastidious in terms of his clothing, his car, his house. And they are having a baby! He is in for such a game changer and I can hardly wait to see this happen.

Of course no sooner had I gotten off the phone with him than P had jammed a kernel of corn up his nose. I had to call back to share the joys of parenthood with him. After successfully removing the corn with tweezers...of course. Surgery before gloating, always.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Very Good Place to Start?

I keep thinking one of these days I'm finally going to have a chance to sit down and start this story at the beginning. Isn't that where you are supposed to start? But I guess the reality is that the beginning will come out when it is time and for now I should just start typing. I seriously doubt that anyone will ever read this and so it doesn't matter where I begin and what direction I go in. So, now that I've got that out there...I need to find a good place to start.

Maybe tomorrow.

Friday, August 29, 2008

My little poem

I found this little poem that I had written to submit to the Washington Post for their 'Life is short' series...and then they stopped running it. So here it is:

Mum is our world. Maybe she’s the gravity that tethers us together.

Suddenly she’s gone – unexpected, devastating.
Feet of clay, yet feeling like we might float away on unending waves of grief.
Her love allowed us to soar as individuals with no fear of becoming lost.

I am the Mum now.
Her munchkins depend on me to anchor them without hurting their tiny toddler wings.
I never had time to ask how she did it.